182 Funny Clean Jokes that are Good for Adults and Kids
Who said that clean jokes can’t be funny? We can prove you wrong because we have made a compilation of clean and yet funny jokes. Nevertheless, these jokes are healthy and good for both the young and old and even the kids. Some of these jokes can teach you good things as well as make you laugh. These are funny and clean jokes that you can say at any time at any time and anywhere without the fear of abusing or insulting someone unknowingly. Enjoy our list of funny clean jokes, we hope you’ll find them interesting.
Clean Funny Jokes
1. Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
2. Q: Why did the robber take a bath?
A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
3. Q: What happens if life gives you melons?
A: You’re dyslexic
4. Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!
5. Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed?
A: To draw the curtains!
6. Q: What do you call a frozen dog?
A: A pupsicle.
7. Q. What did the tie say to the hat?
A. You go on ahead and I’ll hang around
8. Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
9. Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn’t move?
A: The road!
10. Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
A: Because she couldn’t control her pupils
11. Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A: A Clausterphobic
12. Q: What three candies can you find in every school?
A: Nerds, DumDums, and Smarties.
13. Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
A: A stamp.
14. Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose?
A: Nobody nose.
15. Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!
16. Q: What do you call a computer that sings?
17. Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
A: It’s dread-full.
18. Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
19. Q: Did you hear about the angry pancake?
A: He just flipped.
20. Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
21. Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch?
A: Beef Jerky.
22. Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
23. Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I’m coming down with something!
24. Q: What do you call a window that raps?
25. Q: “How do you shoot a killer bee?”
A: “With a bee-bee gun.”
26. Q: How do you drown a Hipster?
A: In the mainstream.
27. Q: What kind of jokes do you make in the shower?
A: Clean Jokes!
28. Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!
29. Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta
30. Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
Clean Good Jokes
31. Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window?
A: Because he wanted to see time fly!
32. Q: When do you stop at green and go at red?
A: When you’re eating a watermelon!
33. Q: What did the tailor think of her new job?
A: It was sew-sew.
34. Q: What is an astronaut’s favorite place on a computer?
A: The Spacebar!
35. Q: What exam do young witches have to pass?
A: A spell-ing test!
36. Q: What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs?
A: A cloud!
37. Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!
38. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath?
A: She still hasn’t gotten all the hair off her tongue.
39. Q: What has one horn and gives milk
A: A milk truck.
40. Q: What concert costs 45 cents?
A: 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
41. Q: Can February March?
A: No. But April May.
42. Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
43. Q: Why is Basketball such a messy sport?
A: Because you dribble on the floor!
44. Q: How do you communicate with a fish?
A: Drop him a line!
45. Q: Where do sheep go to get haircuts?
A: To the Baa Baa shop!
46. Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
47. Q: Why did the soccer player bring string to the game?
A: So he could tie the score.
48. Q: Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin?
A: They both depend on the batter.
49. Q: How do you repair a broken tomato?
A: Tomato Paste!
50. Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry?
A: Because his parents were in a jam!
51. Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?
52. Q: Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard?
A: A barber.
53. Q: What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race?
54. Q: What do you call a dentist in the army?
A: A drill sergeant
55. Q: What do you get when you plant kisses?
A: Tu-lips (two-lips)
56. Q: What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney?
A: You are to little to smoke!
57. Q: What do you call a ghosts mom and dad?
58. Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
A: Show me the honey!
59. Q: What did the man say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I’ll plaster ya!
60. Q: What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio?
A: Cool Music.
Short Clean Jokes
61. Q: What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George?
A: 2 Fast 2 Curious
62. Q: Did you hear about the hairdresser?
A: She dyed.
63. Q: What do you call a musician with problems?
A: a trebled man.
64. Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: Sunday, of course!
65. Q: Which building is the largest?
A: The library, because it has the most stories.
66. Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog?
67. Q: What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks?
A: A Roman Catholic
68. Q: Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco?
A: He pulled a muscle
69. Q: Did you hear about the carrot detective?
A: He got to the root of every case.
70. Q: Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
A: They don’t have the guts.
71. Q: What do you call cheese that is not yours?
A: Nacho Cheese
72. Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!
73. Q: What’s easy to get into but hard to get out of?
74. Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because the chicken joke wasn’t invented yet.
75. Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?
A: Flood lights!
76. Q: Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
A: Because he wanted to work over-time!
77. Q: Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary?
A: Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
78. Q: What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry?
A: Urgent Tina
79. Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Its easier than walking!
80. Q: What kind of key opens a banana?
A: A monkey!
Clean Jokes For Adults
81. Q: Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people’s arms off?
A: It was a vicious cycle.
82. Q: What do you call leftover aliens?
A: Extra Terrestrials.
83. Q: What’s taken before you get it?
A: Your picture.
84. Q: Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
85. Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you’ll rise and shine!
86. Q: “What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?”
A: “You can’t tuna fish.”
87. Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block.
88. Q: What did the femur say to the patella?
A: I kneed you.
89. Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.
90. Q: What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
A: A yardvark!
91. Q: What’s the first bet that most people make in their lives?
A: The alpha bet
92. Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?
A. Milk and quackers!
93. Q: How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet!
94. Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!
95. Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
96. Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
97. Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A: A Bed
98. Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says “chew chew chew”.
99. Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
A: To get a tweetment.
100. Q: What did Delaware?
A: A New Jersey
101. Q: Why did Tony go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn’t find a date!
102. Q: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
A: Hi Cliff!
103. Q: What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream?
A: Depeche a la Mode.
104. Q: Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
105. Q: What dog keeps the best time?
A: A watch dog.
106. Q: What did the penny say to the other penny?
A: We make perfect cents.
107. Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.
108. Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A: So he could have sweet dreams.
109. Q: What happens if life gives you melons?
A: Your dyslexic
110. Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?
A: My plop is bigger than your plop.
111. Q: Why did the balloon burst
A: Because is saw a lolly pop
112. Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
A: “Smiles”, because there is a mile between each “s”!
113. Q: What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine?
A: It wooden go!
114. Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The month of March!
115. Q: Whens the best time to go to the dentist?
116. Q: What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig?
A: I wanna get a head!
117. Q: Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store?
A: It was quite an oar deal.
118. Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor.
119. Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?
120. Q: What can you serve but never eat?
A: A volleyball.
Funny Clean Short Jokes
121. Q: Why can’t a leopard hide?
A: Because he’s always spotted!
122. Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?
A: Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog!
123. Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?
A: A sour puss!
124. Q: What runs but can’t walk?
A: The faucet!
125. Q: What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in?
A: A water bed!
126. Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup?
127. Q: Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress?
A: They got married in the spring.
128. Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?
A: Because they cantaloupe.
129. Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might spread.
130. Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
131. Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A: He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
132. Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An umbrella.
133. Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
134. Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food ON his friend?
A: Because his friend said dinner is ON me.
135. Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A: Never mind, it’s over your head!
136. Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner?
A: Man, that hit the “spot.”
137. Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!
138. Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
139. Q: What do you call a bee that lives in America?
140. Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a bogey in it.
141. Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
A: Because he had no-body to go with.
142. Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
143. Q: What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage?
A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
144. Q: How many books can you put in an empty backpack?
A: One! After that its not empty!
145. Q: What kind of button won’t unbutton?
A: A bellybutton!
146. Q: Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?
A: Because the cow has the utter.
147. Q: Did you hear about the monster with five legs?
A: His trousers fit him like a glove.
148. Q: Why don’t you see giraffes in elementary school?
A: Because they’re all in High School!
149. Q: How do baseball players stay cool?
A: They sit next to their fans.
150. Q: Why was the math book sad?
A: Because it had too many problems.
Clean One Liner Jokes
151. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
152. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
153. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
154. Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport.
155. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
156. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
157. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
158. Assassins do it from behind.
159. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
160. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
161. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
162. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
163. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
164. Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
165. Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case!
166. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
Funny Clean Jokes for Kids
167. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay. You have my Word.
168. My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
169. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. Runs in our jeans.
170. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
171. I tried to catch fog yesterday, Mist.
172. Why did the scarecrow get a raise? He was outstanding in his field.
173. What do you call a woman on the arm of a banjo player? A tattoo.
174. I called a psychic once. She asked who was on the line, so I hung up.
175. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
Clean Blonde Jokes
176. What do you call an eternity? Four blondes at a four way stop.
177. What did the blonde do when she missed the 44 bus? She took the 22 bus twice instead.
178. What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common? You always hear about them but you never see them.
179. Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
180. Why shouldn’t blondes have coffee breaks? It takes too long to re-train them.
181. Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? To remind themselves that toes go in first.
182. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.