9 Funny Santa Claus Quotes Add Laughter to the Holidays

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The magic of Christmas perhaps lies in the mystery of Santa Claus. Of course, some of that mystery has humor too. Why does Santa Claus enter a house through a sooty fireplace? Why can he not simply knock at the door? Should he really be eating all those cookies?

If you love Saint Nick, you will love these funny Santa quotes. But be warned, some of these quotes have wicked humor.

Funny Quotes About Santa Claus

Jack Handy:


“If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it’s gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus.”

Samuel Butler:

“Nobody shoots at Santa Claus.”

James Gould:

“A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about 10 that there wasn’t any Santa Claus, and he’s still upset.”

Robert Paul:


“You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.”

Arlo Guthrie:

“Santa Claus wears a red suit—he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair—must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe that he’s smoking?”

Bernard Manning:

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying toys not included.”

Tom Armstrong:

“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income, and flies to cities all over the world under the cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?”

George Carlin:


“Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

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