How to Date a Shy Girl


Most people will feel shy occasionally as they go through the motions of life, but some people experience it more than others. When you’re in the dating game, shyness can be incredibly difficult to overcome for both the shy person and the person who wants to date her. Learning the gentle art of grabbing her attention without intimidating her is key to learn early.

There is plenty to learn about how to date a shy person and what it means to be shy. We will help you get familiar with those basics so that you can enjoy the company of a shy woman you’d like to get to know without worrying that she is there only because she was too nervous to say no.

What Does It Mean To Be Shy?

According to psychology, shyness is a characteristic or behavioral style of an individual who tends to feel awkward or tense during social encounters. Awkwardness and tension tend to amp up around people they don’t know, but it can exist within current relationships as well, depending on the situation.

Although shyness isn’t unfamiliar to many of us, some people see it as their everyday reality rather than an occasional annoyance to move past. Psychologists call these people painfully shy, which means that they have a difficult time interacting with others even though they want to or need to do so. Painful shyness is often problematic.

It’s important to note that shyness and introversion are not the same things. Introverts are individuals who need to get their energy back by relaxing away from other people, but shy people can be both introverts and extroverts. Shy people can wish to connect with people and understand their energy comes from others, but they can’t connect the way they’d like.

What Causes Shyness?

Understanding shyness is only half the battle. The other piece is to understand why it happens so that you can work to help others overcome it or overcome it yourself. In this case, we want to understand why some people can be painfully shy so that you can work on how to date a shy girl without increasing her anxieties and threatening your potential future.

Shyness is a fear response that has a neurobiological base but is also believed to be caused by parenting and life experiences. Some people start shy early in life, and others develop it as time goes on, but it all depends on the experiences they had with caregivers, at school, or in early social groups.

Nearly half of adults in America consider themselves to be shy, but around the globe, that statistic varies heavily. Shyness is a result of early experiences, which can come as a result of certain cultural values that we absorb as children. Different societies look at blame and praise in different ways, and the way they look at those things seems to factor into shyness.

Because shyness happens on multiple levels, including biological, behavioral, and cognitive components, it can be difficult to pin down one cause of shyness. However, understanding each of the areas more thoroughly may help you to attract a partner who is shy in initial interactions with you.

The biological level of shyness reflects in a person’s physical reaction to new people. Physical reactions commonly include increased heart rate, tense muscles, and queasiness. The cognitive part of shyness refers to putting yourself down with negative self-talk or irrational thoughts like “everyone is looking at me.”

The behavioral part of shyness is the one that reflects more so in the case of painfully shy individuals. Behavioral components include social avoidance. If the person you are interested in is shy to this extreme, then you will need to be extremely patient with her to help her overcome her shyness enough to date you.

Although the behavioral component of shyness can look like social anxiety from the outside, the latter is a more extreme situation. Social anxiety is more socially disruptive than shyness and is a disorder versus a behavior or trait.

Is Dating a Shy Girl a Good Idea?

It’s always a smart move to take a look at why you’re interested in someone before you try to start a relationship. Sometimes we are more interested in a trait than a person, and shyness is no exception.

Men tend to think that shyness is a more attractive trait than women, likely because of the typical male and female roles in relationships. Although men and women’s roles are adjusting all the time, the old school way of thinking won’t disappear overnight. Knowledge of this bias may help us understand why men are attracted to shy women.

A man may be attracted to the idea of dating a shy girl because he believes that she is less likely to leave him due to the confrontation involved. He also might think she’ll be deterred by the social interactions involved in meeting a new mate, but that’s not necessarily the case. Shyness is not an absolute, nor is it the opposite of courage, which means a shy person can still be bold.

If you are sure, you’re not in it for the shyness alone, dating a shy girl could be a wonderful thing. Shy women come in all shapes and sizes and have just as much ability to be an excellent partner as a non-shy woman.

Some things to keep in mind when dating a shy girl are the fears and anxieties she may face in new situations. If you are willing to help her overcome her anxieties to match your level of social prowess or if you’re up for laying low with her, then she could be a great match for you. If you’re not willing to accept her as she is, then you may want to think again.

A Guide to Dating a Shy Girl

So now that you understand a little bit more about how shyness affects people and why, let’s dig into how you can get the best results when trying to date a shy girl. There are several tips and tricks involved here, but not everything will work for everyone. Our advice is tried and true, but since everyone is different, you’ll want to tailor our suggestions to your situation.

Start Slow

When you first encounter a shy woman, you’ll want to approach her slowly. Some shy people are intimidated by outgoing individuals or feel unworthy of their attention and dodge it when possible.

To avoid worrying about your potential partner to the point where she’s impossible to communicate with, you should approach her gently and not ask for more closeness than necessary at first. You could try suggesting a small group hangout if you have mutual friends to break the ice before asking her on a one-on-one date.

Understand You’ll Need to Build Her Trust

As we discussed earlier, shy people tend to be shy because of past experiences. Having negative experiences in our minds when we are in the midst of a new social interaction can make it almost impossible to forge new relationships. Fortunately, you can help to ease her worries by proving your trustworthiness.

Start by doing small things like promising to call at a specific time and then following through. You could share stories in which you’ve been there for friends or family members through times of need to help her feel more secure. Taking it slow, as we suggested above, is another solid way to get her to see that she can trust you.

Opening up to her about your life experiences or insecurities may help build a level of trust between you. You can start slow in this area as well, but asking questions that get her to open up without pushing too hard and that allow you to share deeper levels of yourself will help to ease tensions.

Be Patient

If you’re interested in making a connection with a person who identifies as shy, then you’ll need to have some patience. She’s likely trying hard to make herself open up, and maybe show up to dates in general. Have some compassion for the fact that she may need some extra time to warm up to you and share her deepest self.

She may also need time before she meets your friends. If you’re eager to have her become a part of your social group, then you could try to introduce her to one or two friends at a time to help ease her anxieties. Allowing her to dip her toes into your social circle slowly will not only give her time to adjust, but it will also allow you to continue building that much-needed trust.

The patience thing is especially important for affection. Some people who are shy in conversation are even shyer when it comes to getting intimate, so you’ll want to check in with them on their comfort with each step in that direction you’d like to take. Public displays of affection, for instance, might be out of the question for quite a while until she’s comfortable.

Don’t Mention of Make Fun of Her Shyness

If a person is shy, then they’ve probably been told that a time or two thousand by everyone from close friends to family members to complete strangers, so avoid adding yourself to that list. Pointing out her shyness to her will only succeed in making her feel more anxious or annoying her, and neither one of those things will help you to win her over.

Prying or pointing out her lack of conversational prowess will likely have the opposite of the effect you’d hoped for and cause her to shut down. More pressure is the last thing a shy person wants or needs. Instead, notice the shyness and work on using our other tips to help her move past the shy stage with you.

How Do You Ultimately Ask a Shy Girl Out?

So you’ve put in the work and gotten to know the girl you’ve had your eye on. You still like her and would like to take the next steps toward a relationship with her, and that’s great! However, you’ll have to be careful of how you take those steps if you want to ensure she answers with full honesty and doesn’t agree to something she’s uncomfortable with right now.

There are a few tips and tricks you can follow when you’re asking a shy girl out for the first time that will help you to make her comfortable enough to answer with complete honesty. If you follow our advice here, then you can keep any progress you’ve made with her going.

Don’t Ask Her in Public

Shy girls do not appreciate having a group’s attention all on them, so making your question a public one is not doing you any favors. The worst-case scenario is that she runs away, and you never hear from her again. The best-case scenario is she says yes, but you lose some of the trust you had gained with her over time. Either way, the results aren’t what you hoped they’d be.

If you’re at a group event or outing and feel the uncontrollable urge to ask her out, then try to pull her aside. Go for a walk if you’re somewhere that you can get away. Offer to drive or walk her home and ask once you’re at her place so that she doesn’t feel trapped. There are plenty of ways to steal a few moments of privacy, regardless of the situation.

Make Plans Via Text or Online

If you’re still not to the point where this girl is totally comfortable around you, then you could consider making plans using technology rather than in person. Text messaging, email, and messenger apps are a shy girl’s best friend. These technologies allow her to have conversations she may be uncomfortable having one-on-one, and that’s good news for you.

Send her an email in the middle of the day, asking her to have dinner, but leave the time or date open to her. It will put minimal pressure on her, make her realize you’re thinking about her at work, and allow her a more neutral ground on which to give you a response.

Don’t Make the Date Too Public

You don’t want to take a shy girl out for karaoke or to meet up with a big group of your buddies on the first date. If she’s comfortable around you and you have mutual friends, then you can try to meet up with them, but the best idea is to do something where she feels comfortable.

Dinner and a movie is a tried and true idea that won’t put too much pressure on her to chat the whole night. You could also try something like batting cages or go-karts where the attention won’t be all on her (provided you both bat in separate cages at the same time), but where you can have fun and be adventurous together.

You could also ask her friends for suggestions of what she likes to do or just let her decide. Some women who identify as shy may not like the pressure of having to plan the date activities, but others might find it helpful to have control.

Make Sure There’s Always Something To Do

A date where you just meet up at a coffee house may not work for this type of girl. Dates, where there are defined activities, can help to break up any awkward silences that may occur over the course of the day or evening.

You don’t have to be prepared to fill every silence since sometimes they exist, so your date can work out what to say next, but not allowing for an endless sea of them will help make her more comfortable.

If you want to help get her out of her shell, then you can find out what makes her “geek out.” Some girls love hitting the arcade, while others enjoy sporting events, and still, others enjoy getting out in nature. Find out what she loves to do and invite her to do it with you. She may be more inclined to fill silences if she’s comfortable with the activities in which you’re participating.

The Reality of Shyness in Relationships

Overcoming a girl’s shyness long enough to start a relationship is taxing, but once the relationship is established, the work doesn’t just stop. It’s important to understand that shy people tend to have lower satisfaction in relationships than people who are not shy. You should also understand that being in a relationship sometimes helps a person overcome shyness.

Studies show that the attachment style within a relationship has a major effect on the level of shyness people maintain while in relationships. Those in relationships with secure attachment styles tended to overcome their shyness, at least in the context of that relationship or with their partner around.

We should always strive for a secure attachment style in our relationships, but knowing how strongly it correlates with helping shy people to overcome their anxieties means that it’s even more important in the types of relationships we’ve discussed here.

Even in marriages, shyness can negatively affect the quality of the relationship. Shy people tend to see more problems with trust, jealousy, management of the household, and money in their long-term relationships than those who are not shy. Ultimately that means that there is more work to do in these relationships than in others.

You will want to ensure that you continuously ask for your shy partner’s opinions and feelings to help overcome some of the problems we commonly see. Understanding that your openness and honesty is even more important than in your other relationships, and understanding that your partner may have a harder time expressing her views to your in-person can help.

You may want to schedule a time to discuss the state of the relationship and ensure that you and your partner both come with ideas and issues written down. Writing down what you need to discuss can help to ease the burden. You could also let her know that you can have discussions about uncomfortable topics via text or email if that makes her more comfortable.

The goal is to get past the stage where your shy partner is shy with you before you hit the marriage phase, but that isn’t always what happens. Understanding how to overcome obstacles you’ll face before you face then can ultimately save your relationship.

A Quick Review and Wrap Up

When you’re interested in dating a shy girl, there is a lot more to do than ask her on a date. You’ll need to break the ice and get to know her slowly to ensure that she feels comfortable around you before you can move on to asking her out. Understanding a little bit more about her past and what makes her shy can help you in the long run.

You’ll also want to learn if she’s a shy introvert or a shy extrovert. A shy introvert won’t want to participate in as many group activities even as your relationship progresses. She may also need time to be by herself to recharge versus an extrovert who will recharge best around you and her close friends.

Make sure that you don’t push her too hard when you’re getting to know her or she’s likely to flee, and you’ll lose your chance. You should try to avoid public displays of affection early in the relationship and make sure to keep lines of communication open at all times so that you can be sure she’s comfortable with what’s happening around her and in your relationship.

Shy girls make great partners just like non-shy girls do, but a relationship with a shy woman will likely take more time and effort on your part. If you’re willing to devote the added energy, then you could end up with the girl you’re going to marry. If you’re not ready to put in extra time or energy, then you may as well let this girl pass you by and go for a not so shy gal next time.

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